Consulting Your Children Everything Is Not Democracy, But Bad Education

The way of raising children has undergone a great transformation in recent decades. The family structure has also been dramatically transformed. From a model that some called “children-furniture”, it has passed to another in which children became the center of the universe for their parents.

The extended family has been gradually disappearing. Now, a good part of the families have only one child, and often only one father as well. That is why the boy is the absolute center of attention for those most responsible for his education.  This did not happen before, when the interest had to be distributed among several children and other members of the family, such as uncles or grandparents, had a great influence on the education of the little ones.

This new model is especially typical of the middle and upper classes. For this reason, it implies an additional element that is worrying. Children have also become status symbols for their parents. They are your “big investment.” There is competition for who has the prettiest, most polyglot, and more outspoken children. In short, more of any positive adjective that we can think of.

Excessive attention to children

The new parenting model seeks to produce more or less perfect children. It is characterized by maintaining constant supervision over what they do on a daily basis. But not only that, there is also a complete supervision over its future. Parents “design” a promising future for them from the very beginning.

In order for expectations to be met, parents are also often vigilant with the sole objective that children do not have a bad time dealing with  any problems they have. Getting into difficulties does not fit into this scheme, much less getting out of those troubles without the help of parents, without doing exactly the right thing.

On the other hand, parents have become very insecure. They fear the exercise of their own authority. They behave as a kind of “coaching” of their children, not like their parents. They project their own desires and goals onto the children and  are afraid of coming into conflict with the little ones: lest the rejection of some of their actions will affect them too much. Therefore, they think about it a lot before setting limits.

The children of today

Parenting focused in this way doesn’t seem to have promising results. It usually generates children who are insecure to face difficulties or deficiencies. They do not know how to act when they cease to be the center of the universe. At the same time, it is difficult for them to understand that to obtain it is necessary to do something more demanding.

Children who grow up in this model have the feeling that they are better than others. Yet, at the same time, that perception fades and moves to the other extreme with overwhelming ease. All their “self-love” ends when they find themselves in a situation where others do not applaud what they do.

These children are good candidates for dependency. If they are at a crossroads, they will probably call the parents rather than try to resolve the situation themselves ; As adults, they will believe that a sign of love from their partner is that they put up with all their occurrences without any critical opinion. Deep down, no matter how many languages ​​they speak or skills they have developed, emotionally they are still helpless children.

Consult the opinion of the children for everything

This new style of education raises great authority problems. The idea that the child is a “miniature adult” is very harmful. Some parents believe that if they consult the opinion of their children for everything they will increase their autonomy, when the effect they achieve with this habit without exceptions is the opposite. A 5 or 10-year-old boy in many ways has no idea what is best for him and, on the other hand, he thinks that to develop autonomy it is absolutely necessary to go through obedience.

Limits imposed by parents are not a way to restrict the freedom or development of their children. Quite the opposite. They are the references that will allow you to feel that the world is a safe place: they will mark a range of action that you could explore freely and without fear. He will also learn that reality unfolds within the framework of an already established order and that it is not the boy who says how the world should work, but rather the opposite.

The family is an institution of asymmetric relationships. Its main function is to accompany the individual in their process of insertion into a culture,  and to enter the logic of a culture, it is essential that we renounce certain impossible desires. The desire to never lose, for example. The desire that the whole world bend to our whims. And several more, which come as a germ in every human being.

The children will have time to try to change the world in their own way. While they are young, they have to participate in the guidelines set by their parents. Unlike what many insecure parents think, this process of setting limits is the best way to invest so that they have a great future.