How To Recognize And Deal With A Manipulator

The manipulator has astonishing skill, a sophisticated almost infallible actuation mechanism. He knows how to influence us, he knows what pieces to play, what to say and what to keep quiet to achieve full control over our emotions. Recognizing their techniques and tricks in time can save us from situations of great personal exhaustion and suffering.

Some say that there is a fine line between a person who asks for help versus someone who manipulates the other to obtain revenue. In the latter case, he sees his neighbor as an object, a commodity, a thing, a resource to take advantage of. They are selfish and use various methods to appeal to the other through various strategies: illusion, blackmail, victimhood …

There are different reasons why a man or a woman acts as a manipulator. For example, sometimes behind these behaviors is simple comfort, fear, or even self-assertion. They prefer the shortest way, the lies and the broken promises to reach the social summit and obtain the power over us. Knowing how to identify their methods will allow us to take advantage of them in order to guarantee our personal balance.

How to recognize a manipulator

We all want to satisfy our needs, because in a way, each of us has our little aspirations, goals, and shortcomings. Now, much of us can be self-sufficient. That is to say, we achieve those purposes without going over anyone, without violating or even less without doing harm.

However, the manual manipulator prefers, as we already know, the shortest path. To do this, it uses indirect, deceptive and highly abusive tactics. If we now ask ourselves why we do not see these behaviors coming in time if they are (apparently) so harmful, a first aspect should be clarified. Manipulation disguises itself as well-intentioned actions, is clothed in deep concerns and emotions to gain our trust and then display its intentions.

Moreover, it is very possible that at this very moment we have a manipulator by our side, someone who politely intimidates us, someone who seeks to get something out of us camouflaged as a best friend, an excellent co-worker or even an admirable partner … Let’s see why so much of what tricks he uses.

1. The foot-in-the-door technique

The foot-in-the-door technique is by far the most common resource. It is that which we must learn to identify as soon as possible . It is about the following: the manipulator asks us for a favor, a simple one, almost insignificant and that it costs us nothing to satisfy. However, soon the real demand appears, the XXL size request that arrives without us waiting for it.

Now, in case we refuse or protest, the manipulator will become defensive and will begin to throw the most varied complaints and reproaches in our face to sink us emotionally.

2. Expert in the art of lying

He has a great ability to lie, in fact he is an expert at it. The most striking thing is that this ability to deceive comes directly from his inability to empathize with the person in front of him.

It does not connect with other people’s realities, it is not capable of putting itself in other skins. And if he does, it is only to know our weak points and use them to his advantage. He is a great professional in the art of twisting reality at will to take it just to the ideal place where his person can be “better stop”. 

3. The false concern

Within the most classic strategies of emotional manipulation, is false concern. The manipulator will not hesitate to be attentive, courteous, and delicately friendly. In addition to these treats , it is common for him to apply that constant concern for us, to know how we are, what worries us, how we have gotten up or what he can do to help us.

We must be very careful with these dynamics because this achieves several things. The first that we connect emotionally with them. The second has points in their favor and then reproach us for how little we do for them, when they have done so much for us …

4. Praise, positive reinforcement

This is one of the most interesting manipulator skills. He knows how to do it very well. He will always know what word to drop, what phrase to use, or what comment to make about yourself in public to make you feel special and gain your trust. Don’t get carried away by those who flatter you so easily or consistently. Hidden intentions are camouflaged behind these positive reinforcements.

5. The use of guilt as the most harmful strategy

With everything I’ve done for you, now you tell me this?  This is undoubtedly one of the phrases most used by the manual manipulator, the one who does not hesitate to project on us all the weight of the world, all the responsibility and bad faith. It will make us believe that we do not have a heart, that we neglect the people we love the most and that we act with high selfishness.

We must put filters and not let ourselves be overwhelmed. What’s more, another common trick is to find imaginary allies to create a greater emotional impact on us:  “well, you should know that my co-workers also think that you are a bad friend, that you always go your own way and don’t take anyone into account.”

6. The promises that are not kept

This is also one of the manipulator’s preferred weapons. They will feed us with illusions, promises, eternal friendships, an imperishable love, and exceptional projects. They will raise in front of us an authentic house of cards that will vanish when we least expect it, just when the manipulator reveals his true intentions.

7. Victimization

Sudden and tragic personal problems, financial difficulties, deep worries that cannot be compared with ours… The manipulator makes use of the victimization resource very effectively to keep us under his control. Now, not only does it appeal to our emotions, but it makes use of immediacy and urgency: I need this and I need it now.

7. Emotions always at your service

This is another of the resources used by an experienced manipulator, it is where we put all our emotional tissue in their favor. Life next to a manipulator is like living on a roller coaster: everything is up and down, days of intense affection and moments where the most threatening coldness sharpens, the one where the demand appears, the need to satisfy and the goal to fulfill. If we refuse, reproaches, guilt, contempt …

8. The shadow where the manipulator hides

The true manipulator not only hides information about his privacy, but he himself disappears and crouches where there is no light in order to better analyze the victim. It is even possible that it uses other people to search for data on its next prey (another manipulated). We cannot forget that many of these profiles have been exercising these dynamics for years. They have improved them, they are sophisticated and they have learned from their experience.

Let us remember that they are not honest, transparent or responsible people. They don’t hesitate to  gossip or slander someone to get what they want. They entangle people in assumptions, exaggerate facts, and put in some “ingredients” of their own to create fictional stories from which to get something in return.

We must pay attention to these signs described here. The moment more than one appears and is repeated frequently, we must begin to set limits, distances, and adequate shields to protect ourselves from those actions.

Sooner or later, if we leave them free and do not act, we will fall into their net. On the other hand , if you have discovered a manipulator in your inner circle (family, friends, work, study, neighborhood), protect others in a discreet but accurate way.

Likewise, and with regard to the manipulator himself, it is always advisable to make him see that his actions have consequences. It is also highly advisable to give him alternatives, invite him to make changes and even seek professional help. Sometimes behind these behaviors there are disorders that require special attention. However, it is not always easy to generate a positive change in these types of personalities. Hence, the essential thing is undoubtedly safeguarding our emotional and psychological integrity.