I Loved You Until My Self-love Said: “It’s Not That Bad “

 I loved you until my self-love said “it’s not that bad. ” I let the blindfolds fall from my eyes, I took off the chains from my heart and even my heels to catch up with you. Then I saw it: you are not the love of my life, neither the one of a day, nor the one of a moment: just someone who made me believe that I was nothing, when in reality, I am everything.

Realizing that “you are not for so much nor I am for so little ” is undoubtedly an act of personal revolution. An act of courage and reaffirmation of self-esteem that dignifies us. However, we have to admit that not everyone has this psychic and emotional tendon capable of putting a boundary between self-love and dependence. Between dignity and resignation.

We know that the word “self-love” is on the rise. That there are many books, manuals and courses that we repeat almost like a mantra, that of “no one can establish a healthy relationship if he does not love himself first.” Now, it is not because we know the formula that we apply it in the most correct way.

Self-love is not built only through a book or by reflecting on it. It is not a passive entity, quite the contrary. Self-love is a state of absolute appreciation for oneself that grows from actions and in turn, builds  our physical and emotional health. It is a dynamic dimension that usually experiences some ups and downs as well.

We suggest you reflect on it.

You were not so great and yet I gave you my whole universe

Astronomers comment that phenomena very similar to our affective relationships occur in the universe. Just as an example: there is a nebula called Henize 2-428, which seen from the telescope fascinates by its unique beauty and peculiar mystery. In reality, this nebula is the union of two white dwarfs, two old stars in the last stage of their lives, languishing.

Now, the funny thing about this couple is that they orbit each other every four hours. They erect a deadly but incredibly beautiful dance where sooner or later, they will end up collapsing. Somehow, we too, without being heavenly bodies, display this play of forces. We know that there are loves destined to be little more than the dust of a memory, and yet we feed them. We orbit in that unhealthy love, in those gravitational waves where we can hang our self-esteem from a washer to be blown away by the wind.

That love may not have been so bad, but until we realize it, until dignity outweighs surrender, tears and dependency, we will not open our eyes. However, we must be very clear: we must not nurture the cult of sacrifice. Because no universe can crush our individuality, our self-love, our unique and exceptional light just like that.

Pillars to consolidate self-love

The first pillar is undoubtedly personal coherence. It is another term that many defend and few apply, because above all, courage is needed. With coherence we refer to the need to maintain a correlation between what we feel and what we do. Between what we think and what we express.

• Sometimes it’s better to prioritize what you need versus what you want. For example: you may have ended a relationship right now. Loneliness and bitterness make you desperate and what you urgently want is to find someone to alleviate those voids. Now … do you really think that is what you need right now?

• Setting limits is healthy. In English a curious term called “frenemies” is used, which would be translated as “amnemies”. It designates those people who live around us dressed as friends but who are actually harmful, they are enemies. Stopping these links and interactions is vital.

• Live intentionally, do not accept middle terms or crumbs. Self-love needs determination, half love is not worth it, nor laughter during the day and tears at night. Nor do “I love you with conditions.”

To live with intention is to understand that to be happy you have to make decisions, and not to orbit erratically around others like a celestial body that will eventually collapse and disappear. Let’s learn to shine, to have our own light, a firm voice and a worthy and courageous heart to attract what we really deserve.

Images courtesy of Chiee Yoshii, Kris Knight