Overprotective Families Without Showing Affection

There are strange mixtures that are capable of causing great damage, one of them is that of overprotective families without signs of affection. Although it seems somewhat contradictory, it is more common than it seems. In fact, it is these “strange” combinations that abound in the real world.

We are often told that a good education is based on a mixture of authority and “small doses” of affection. This way of understanding displays of affection has stunted the way of educating in many families, with therapeutic recipes that take us away from a transformative, dynamic education, in which emotions play a fundamental role.

Overprotective families without displays of affection are yet another version of a strange form of emotional repression that has been carried out for many generations from parents to children.

How are overprotective families without signs of affection?

In terms of functional analysis, the person who suffers abuse within a family expresses with his behavior a function: experiential avoidance, a behavioral escape from the reality in which he finds himself. His environment does not offer him reinforcers, only aversive stimuli and his behavior is a response to it. Experiential avoidance is an escape from pain and, therefore, from life itself.

In overprotective families without showing affection, beatings or neglect may not exist. However, in these families love is suffered, but not felt.

When there is high overprotection in the family, but the senses of touch, sight or hearing are not used to express affection in a positive and intimate way, it is most likely that someone will be caught up in that family dynamic.

That family uses contradictory codes of conduct: I protect you and keep you from what can do you wrong, but it does not seem to be a source of full refuge. Many teachers or friends of the family may say “how well this family seems to take care of their child”; while there is a deficit in reinforcement behaviors, lack of displays of affection and empowerment in autonomous behaviors.

Overprotective families without signs of affection: a small example

Let’s imagine an example. A 40-year-old man who has been going to the office without really knowing what has happened to him for years. With very marked values, especially regarding what it does not tolerate. However, all the logic that had been provided to him in the family is given by what he should not do. This had conditioned him to have a very high sensitivity to punishment and almost zero to reinforcement.

His mother never gave him a kiss or hug, or if she did it was after some “scare or when he was sick”. Of course, he went to look for him at school, he was always well dressed and he enjoyed that his mother was a wonderful cook. She took care of everything.

This person expresses that he is unable to fully enjoy certain experiences. She suffers a lot because of the bad things that can happen to her children and she hardly enjoys their achievements. For him, feeling is closely associated with feeling tension. You frequently get sick from work due to depression; no matter how much he does, he does not end up feeling qualified in the world.

Helicopter parents who never finish dropping their kids

The above patient’s case is the result of a “helicopter mother” and an absent father. The problem is that when one member of the couple is physically absent, the other member is too absent. The product is an excessive attention that ends up being a drag on the development of their autonomy.

Psychologists Holly Schiffrin and her colleagues at the University of Mary Washington looked at how helicopter parenting affects the self-determination and well-being of college students. This type of parenting was found to be associated with anxiety and depression, ultimately producing a decrease in life satisfaction.

Overprotective families without signs of affection: I do not hurt you, but not good either

Children can experience a lack of love and care, even when there are no explicit indicators that the parents are cold, aggressive, or neglectful.

Many parents use expressions of love and affection as a parenting tool. This is also known as symbolic rejection, often expressed verbally in the form of possible implicit punitive measures: “I don’t love you when you are like this” or “I love you, especially when you behave as well as you did tonight.”

Children and adolescents feel them as declarations of a lack of real love for who they are. Because love must be alien to achievement and good behavior. From the point of view of these children, the most they can hope for is transitory love, meritocratic love, love at a price that must be earned.

Consequences of overprotective families and helicopter parents

Unbalanced parenting can turn kids into college kids. In return, your educational advantage comes at a high price. Many are unprepared for life. They develop a dependent personality, they grow up without a field in which they can increase their responsibility for the decisions they make.

Psychologists have repeatedly found that teens and adults with anxiety disorders, particularly those focused on social interaction, are more likely to come from homes with overprotective parents.

Experiments have shown that anxious parents tend to have anxious children  because they show that the correct way to react to situations is through fear, worry, and emotional withdrawal.