The Hammer And The Wall In The Relationship

Relationships are not easy or, at least, this is what some people think. Perhaps this occurs because the hammer and the wall are present in a relationship and those who form it or their environment have not realized it. A hammer they take to try to break down the walls that are raising different attitudes in the couple.

Then, through a short story, we will discover how the hammer and the wall are nothing more than the metaphor of an atrocious fear that the other person will move away from us emotionally. However, we will understand that no matter how hard we try to hammer, sometimes in relationships it is necessary to respect each other’s space.

The hammer and the wall

Alicia did not understand what was happening to Juan. He had been a bit strange for a few days, he felt quieter than usual and this, for her, was being distant. When I asked him if something was wrong, the answer was always the same: “nothing.”

For Alicia, the situation was not improving; She became more and more tense and nervous, Juan seemed to be moving further and further away from her. He told him that everything was fine, that he needed to be with himself, something that Alicia was unable to shape in her head … beyond being a symptom that something was wrong in the relationship.

Why did he need to be with himself? Was something bad happening? Was he no longer happy? Alicia’s insistence, constant questions, and her list of plans shared with Juan didn’t seem to solve the situation. Juan needed space, time for himself, and that Alicia did not understand.

Insecurity in the relationship

As we have said, Alicia was very insecure; a state derived from the interpretation of Juan’s behavior. He did not understand why Juan needed time for himself. Thus, faced with a situation that he did not understand, his response was to try to change it.

For this reason, the hammer and the wall were installed in the relationship causing a conflict difficult to solve. For Alicia, the words “time for oneself” or “space” were synonymous with the fact that her partner was moving away and this caused her enormous anxiety.

Constant claims

As Alicia did not give Juan that space that he needed, he began to build a wall and close himself more and more. Meanwhile, Alicia with a hammer began to try to knock him down, trying to reduce the distance that Juan had set.

The solution seems simple from our perspective. If Alicia changed her strategy and chose to give Juan the space he needed, it is likely that there would be a natural readjustment in the relationship. However, Alicia’s anxiety and her coping strategy has only hurt the relationship. But, let’s remember that we are in our perspective… adopting a spectator role.

The importance of space in the relationship

All relationships go through a phase of infatuation where the couple shares a good number of activities. The best definition, as this study points out, would be “the state of a person dominated by a live feeling towards another, whom he considers his greatest good, with whom he would like to be united forever and for whom he would sacrifice, if he were necessary, his own life ”.

However, with the passage of time, each of the members of the relationship needs to recover a part of that shared space. Having friends that are not common or doing activities in which the couple does not participate.

If we are in a transition period between the two phases, it is positive to analyze if we carry out any activity in which our partner is not involved. Also understand that each person needs their space; thus, we may need more or less than the other: it is a question of reaching a balance.

This does not translate into “I don’t love my partner anymore” or “the relationship has grown cold.” Quite the opposite. The space in the couple’s relationship is essential so that the feeling of lack of freedom does not appear  and that, therefore, the hammer and the wall do not make an appearance.

Each couple is a world and manifests itself in how big or small they need this space to be. Thus, we can identify couples that work very well by keeping a small personal space and others that do so with a larger functional space. It will depend on where they find their balance point.

In any case, it is important to try to overcome resistance with strategies other than hammer and wall. Moreover, in these cases where we take the hammer, governed by insecurity, it is best to put ourselves in the hands of a professional. It is he who will help us adopt a bystander perspective to identify the problem and will give us tools to regain the lost balance without damaging the relationship.