To Those Who Left Us Unable To Say Goodbye

Those who are no longer asleep in the depths of our hearts, but many of those absences remain abysses of pain in our memory: because they left us unable to say goodbye, they left without saying “I love you” or maybe even without a “sorry”. This vital anguish in many cases makes the proper grieving process difficult.

Death should be like a farewell on the platform of a train. There where to have a short interval of time where to have that last conversation, where to offer a long hug and let go with a calm see you later, having full confidence that everything will go well. However, none of this is possible.

Anne Morrow Lindberg, a famous writer and aviator of the early 20th century, explained in her biography that pain, contrary to what many people think, is not universal. Suffering is something so personal, deep and stark that only one can understand it to begin, little by little, a slow process of inner reconstruction.

Because death does not know goodbyes and that is something that we must assume sooner or later. We invite you to reflect on it.

Those who left us without asking permission or saying goodbye

It is often said that the only “positive” aspect of terminal illnesses is that, in some way, they allow the person to assume and even prepare their farewell process  or what is now known as “the good death”.  However, no matter how prepared the family is for that moment or that “detachment”, sometimes, far from feeling relieved, they also experience it as something traumatic.

Now, those who left us without asking permission or saying goodbye are undoubtedly the absences that cause us the most difficulty when starting our grieving process throughout these 5 stages of the Kübler-Ross model. The usual thing is to get stuck in the feelings of disbelief and denial, until deriving, in the worst case, in a state of vital disorganization marked by chronic anger or depression.

The unexpected death of a loved one is more than just an intense emotional shock. The loss leaves many loose ends, unfinished business, unspoken words, unapologetic regrets, and the desperate need to have been able to say goodbye. The answers to all this will then be within us, and that is where we will have to take refuge for a certain time to find calm, relief and acceptance.

How to cope with the loss of a loved one when we have not been able to say goodbye

Jim Morrison said that people tend to be more afraid of pain than death, when in reality, it is death itself that ultimately relieves pain. However, the famous singer-songwriter of “The Doors” forgot something essential, since after his death another type of suffering begins: that of family members, friends, couples …

Something that we must be very clear from the beginning is that each person is going to grieve in a particular way. There are no times or a strategy that serves us all equally. In addition, that pain that so paralyzes at the beginning, that takes away the air and that even takes away our soul in the first days, weeks or months, ends up softening. Because although we believe it is almost impossible … You survive.

Learn to say goodbye to those who did not have their chance

Those who left us with so many voids, unanswered questions, unspoken words and without that needed goodbye, will not return. It is something that we must assume, face and accept. Now, something that should offer us relief is to remember that that person loved us and that love was reciprocal.

• , to those moments of happiness and illusion. It is there, where the answers to your questions are found: that person knew they were loved.

• Write a letter with everything you wish you had said to him or if you prefer, speak to him mentally or aloud, thus facilitating the vent. Then visualize a moment of harmony shared with that person, a moment of peace and happiness where you see him or her smile. Feel loved, feel comforted.

• If you prefer, you can repeat this exercise as many days as you need. However, it is also appropriate to spend time with other family and friends, who, without a doubt, will also give you the answers you need. They will convince you that despite not having that goodbye, the other person knew very well how much you loved them.

The wound of loss, of that so painful and unexpected absence, will be cauterized with time. Although they are voids that are never forgotten, believe it or not, our brain is “programmed” to overcome adversity due to that almost innate instinct to keep moving forward. For surviving.

To do this, it is enough to take care of ourselves and attend to ourselves as one who recomposes a delicate piece of fragmented porcelain. We will unite it again with good memories that honor the loved one and with that material from which the loves that are not forgotten are made, the most sincere and indelible love and that emotional legacy that will serve as a veneer to be much stronger and braver. tomorrow.