What You Have Does Not Define You, But Who You Are

When someone defines himself, he usually begins by saying “I am …” I am a psychologist, a cook, an affectionate, grumpy person … But this is not true, nobody is essentially nothing more than a person. Who defines himself in this way, forgets many other aspects of himself.

Nobody is totally psychologist, not totally cook, affectionate or grumpy. These are only particular characteristics that develop from time to time in our lives, but they do not define us.

In this way, we do not present ourselves in a global way, as if that part of us that we are talking about constitutes our complete self, when in reality they are only parts of our whole person, which is much more complex.

Dr. Albert Ellis, father of rational emotional therapy, taught us that it is preferable to use the verb to have over the verb to be, which implies evaluating particular behaviors or concrete actions of people, but not the person as a whole.

Who will feel worse about themselves? Obviously, one who evaluates himself globally will have a much lower self-esteem than people who are aware that a particular attitude, quality or possession does not define them as human beings.

What define you?

The unconditional acceptance proposed by Ellis intends that human beings do not fall into the trap of defining ourselves based on external, superfluous or perishable characteristics, such as physical, fame, success, money or status.

According to Ellis, all human beings have the same value, regardless of our qualities or defects since it is impossible to calculate the value of a person. There is no rule to measure it, although unfortunately in our culture it is affirmed that one person is worth more or less than another depending on certain traits or possessions.

This only leads us to absurd comparisons with others, our self-esteem plummets and our happiness depends on what we are supposed to or should not possess … We could list so many pathologies that have to do with this absence! of unconditional acceptance!

Imagine the case of someone who compares himself to another because the latter has achieved much greater professional success than he has. This person is placing such an importance on professional success that it completely defines him, even if it is only a small area of ​​his life.

If we investigate, we will surely find in him irrational thoughts such as “I am worth nothing”, “I will never get there”, “I am useless for not having managed to be someone in life”, and so on.

The same would not have happened if it had been accepted without that condition. That is, if his thoughts had been more rational -not positive- “I have not achieved that achievement, but I have other important things in life”, “The fact that he is more successful does not mean that I am useless”, “my value as a person is not a function of professional achievements ”…

As you evaluate yourself, so you will evaluate

To carry out a good unconditional acceptance of yourself, you also have to unconditionally accept others. The key is not to give value or subtract it, whoever we are : someone who is not very attractive, someone who is very intelligent, someone famous or the homeless person on the corner. They all have the same value.

Some strategies that you can carry out with others are: not be so demanding and want to change the other person, forgive and understand that we all make mistakes sometimes, do not play others in global terms, if not only their particular behavior that it has affected us and loving people for the fact of being human like us.

These techniques will have a positive impact on you, because you will create the habit of unconditional acceptance and you will not be so demanding with others, with yourself or with life in general, which generates much healthier emotions. And don’t forget that who you are defines you, not what you have …